How to Have the Courage to be Disliked [How-To Guide #015]

Embracing the Path to Inner Freedom

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In a world dominated by social expectations and the constant pressure to conform, many of us struggle to live in a manner that feels truly our own. We may find ourselves overly concerned with how others perceive us, or trapped by our own anxieties about belonging. The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi (and co-author Fumitake Koga) offers an alternative view rooted in the ideas of Alfred Adler: that freedom and happiness stem not from appeasing others or meeting external standards, but from embracing an authentic life guided by our own principles.

Rather than focusing on how to be “liked,” this philosophy examines the cost of letting the fear of disapproval dictate our choices. According to Adlerian psychology, much of our dissatisfaction arises from interpersonal tensions that, ironically, we help create by prioritising the opinions and judgments of others. Kishimi highlights that a truly liberated life involves relinquishing the burden of others’ expectations and the illusions we hold about our personal limitations.

By daring to be disliked, one does not become callous or unfeeling; rather, one learns to act from a place of personal accountability and self-acceptance. Living authentically might mean changing career paths, refusing to compromise on certain values, or simply expressing preferences without guilt. In each instance, the core tenet is consistent: you do not need universal approval to lead a satisfying life.

This guide adapts Kishimi’s and Adler’s insights into a practical framework you can use to enhance personal freedom, relationships, and well-being. We begin by examining the conceptual underpinnings that shape this unique approach to self-liberation, and discuss why adopting it can yield tangible benefits—both individually and in group contexts. We will then explore common psychological hurdles that emerge when trying to live more authentically, before delving into a step-by-step method to gradually reduce your dependency on external validation. Alongside, we’ll suggest modern tools and techniques, ways to measure progress, real-life success stories, and key takeaways to integrate into your daily life.

Ultimately, “the courage to be disliked” is a mindset that invites you to claim ownership over your thoughts and actions—letting go of needless social anxieties, strengthening your sense of purpose, and forging more genuine connections with others.

Adlerian Psychology, the Role of Interpersonal Dynamics, and the Power of Choice

At the heart of The Courage to Be Disliked is Alfred Adler’s school of psychology, which diverges from Freudian or Jungian paradigms by placing interpersonal relationships and personal choice at the forefront of emotional well-being. Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga distil several key Adlerian concepts that inform their approach:

1. Teleology Over Etiology

While many psychological theories delve into one’s past to uncover the origins of current issues, Adler’s perspective focuses on the future—specifically, the goals and meanings a person assigns to their life. This “teleological” view suggests that our present actions are driven more by what we want to achieve than by what has happened to us in the past. Thus, while past trauma and upbringing can shape us, they do not have to dictate our current or future choices.

2. Inferiority and Superiority Complexes

According to Adler, feelings of inferiority naturally arise when we compare ourselves to others. People who haven’t reconciled these emotions may seek to overcompensate—developing a “superiority complex” to mask their vulnerabilities. Kishimi underscores the importance of understanding these complexes not as fixed traits, but as tendencies we can alter by shifting our focus toward personal growth rather than endless comparisons.

3. The Concept of Separation of Tasks

One of the most empowering ideas in Adlerian psychology is learning to distinguish between what is—and isn’t—your responsibility. When we take on the “tasks” of others (e.g., trying to control their opinions or emotions), we set ourselves up for frustration and conflict. By recognising each individual’s autonomy and focusing on our own tasks—our own decisions and attitudes—we can free ourselves from needless interpersonal tension.

4. Living in the Present

Kishimi also highlights that many of our anxieties stem from projecting past experiences onto future fears. Adler’s framework encourages staying engaged with the present—adopting a mindset that you can always choose to act differently now, irrespective of history or anticipated judgment.

5. Social Interest and Community Feeling